Though I have never been formally diagnosed, I am 101% sure that I have ADHD. My father, who believed that mental illness was a weakness and came from the devil, wasn’t someone who I could talk to about seeing a psychiatrist. But I felt familiarity with friends who were diagnosed with it, and every symptom was how my daily life looked like. Even my fiancé, who is in medical school, says I am textbook ADHD.
This is really confusing for me because I have actually been diagnosed with depression years ago. And apparently, the symptoms of ADHD and depression are so alike that people often get misdiagnosed for one or the other. And treating one can cause symptoms of the other, too.
I feel happiest when I stay busy and run around learning stuff. I feel a great sense of satisfaction when I give myself an imaginary badge of achievement. I would be a full time college student while taking ceramics classes every Wednesday and Thursday night, barista classes every Tuesday and Friday night, and art class every Monday night. Sometimes my schedule would include woodworking classes or leather-working classes. Staying home means watching Netflix all day, so why not spend that time adding more to my brain’s collection of skills?
Surprisingly, my therapist told me this is a symptom of my depression. Apparently, I need to feel content and comfortable doing nothing, and quiet time will allow me to go through my thoughts and emotions and work them out. Because I am so discontent and unhappy with myself and my feelings, I am subconsciously avoiding alone time and keeping busy. And these little achievements give me a sense of self-worth, when I should actually be feeling worthy even without doing all these different side quests.
This explanation made sense. Unless I am sleeping or keeping busy reading, I don’t like sitting still and doing nothing. I feel useless. Maybe I really should be quitting classes and learning to be comfortable without these things to define me.
But doesn’t this also sound like ADHD? I feel unnerved in quiet, calm settings. I need action. I need adrenaline. And if my inability to stay home and rest is actually a symptom of my ADHD, isn’t that okay? The ADHD would be a part of who I am, and it allows me to go out and explore everything. My sister hates going out unless she is meeting her friends. If not to go see them, she would spend all her free time chillin’ in her bed. That’s who she is, just like staying busy is who I am.
Sometimes I would really overwork myself and need to sleep for days on end. And of course I would rest however much I need to, but it makes me wonder whether I am pushing myself too hard because I’m avoiding my depression, or because I feel energized when I push my limits and try it all.
And thus comes my dilemma: is the way I live my life something that is okay to accept and continue, or is it a symptom that needs to be treated? If it is because of my ADHD, is that something that also needs to be treated? Am I doing life wrong?
If you are here because you are similar to me, I am sorry to say that I don’t have an answer yet. I like to consider myself a curious person, but the cost is that I am sometimes bedridden for days and my self-worth goes down if I don’t do anything. At this point, whether it is from ADHD or depression, I am trying to embrace it and make the most of it. I do feel so happy when I eat on the table I built with a plate I baked and a drink I made (:
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