I used to be a “power E” according to my MBTI – an unmatched extrovert that made friends everywhere, or at least felt the need to do so. I was energized by meeting new people and small talk was my superpower. I made friends in convenience stores, subways, cafes, bars, etc. I had a way of forcing my presence into every situation and friendship like I was already there.
If you are unfamiliar with Korean culture around talking to strangers, we just don’t. Korea has so many different cults, no one can keep track of them. And they recruit new members by talking to them on streets and casually befriending strangers, and slowly and subtly inviting them to their cult churches. Korea is notorious for its crazy cults and cult members. Thus, people hate random people talking to them – the exact opposite of LA culture where everyone talks to everyone.
Even in a place like this, I wanted to make friends everywhere and approached every friendly face I saw. Many of my friends told me afterwards that they were sure I was a cult member. I wanted to have friends of all ages in every industry and grow my network to the entirety of Korea.
Fast forward to now, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t feel the need to make any new friends, and I dread people trying to befriend me. At least in Korea, that is. A classmate asked if I wanted to hang out over coffee after class last week. If I was asked that any other time in the last 20-something years, I would have jumped at the opportunity. But this time, I told him honestly that I’d rather go home. He asked again this week, and I lied and said I had plans.
I think that’s what made me really realize that I had changed. Normally, it probably would have been me asking someone else to go grab coffee together. But me? Rejecting someone else? That is very surprisingly new.
I retook my MBTI test as honestly as possible, and it definitely did change.
I have always been ENFP-T, and it’s interesting that everything else stayed the same except for becoming an introvert. I feel the change in the way I feel towards others. And honestly, I am not sure if I like it or not. I always felt so powerful and loved when I went out, but now I feel self-conscious. At the same time, I feel more comfortable knowing that I have friends who are precious to me already, and don’t need to go out looking for more.
This is a comparison of an ENFP and an INFP personality types’ friendships. The last paragraph of the ENFP type description says “At times, however, they may struggle with a suspicion that they care more about their friends than their friends care about them – a suspicion that can leave these sociable, warmhearted personalities feeling more than a little lonely.”
This snippet captures how I truly felt even when I was friendly to everyone. If I wanted to befriend 100 people and talked to all of them and reached out to them, only about 5 would reciprocate how I felt towards them. There were always very few who would willingly and excitedly make time for me, contact me, and see potential for a lasting friendship. Some people would respond and hang out if I texted them, but would never text me first. Some people wouldn’t seem enthused to be friends – they are happy to just be acquaintances.
Though finding those 5 people were worth going out and talking to 100 different people, I think my heart is tired. Too often did I wonder why someone would have a good impression of me, but not want to continue to get to know each other. Too often did I feel insufficient and hurt from rejection.
My love and curiosity for people remains unchanged, but I stop myself from approaching others. I can no longer handle opening myself up to people to feel unappreciated by 95% of them. I don’t want to go out searching for the 5% again. I am happy with the 5% I’ve already got. Now, I relate to the INFP personality type, in which “INFPs tend to feel most fulfilled by spending time with a small, intimate circle of friends.”
Sometimes, I want to go out and be extroverted again. There are times I want to go out partying to meet new people. But my mind and body both feel too heavy with burden and I end up staying home. Maybe I’ll go through another change someday. And maybe then, I’ll miss the introverted side of me that was content with the few close people I had. I’d better enjoy who I am and who I’ve got now. I’m trying to accept that no personality type is better than another – that it is just an ever-changing and ever-growing aspect of the story of my life.
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